Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You post constant status updates about what TV show you're watching and what you're eating for dinner. You're not allowed to whine when people get excited for football once a week.

   Whenever I get one of those muffled, through-the-purse, four-minute-long voicemail messages where the person thought they hung up but really didn't, I always listen to the entire thing. People do some funny sh*t when they think no one is listening.

   When I have visitors in town, my tour guide instincts kick in and I show them as much as I can. “That's the grocery store I go to.” “I work out there.” “I've made out with a girl on that bench.” “I've peed behind that dumpster." I hope

   Okay, can someone please invent the opposite of a microwave. I need my beer cold, now. And no, the freezer is not fast enough.

   I just watched a show about a person who was addicted to pizza. I believe the technical name for this condition is "normal."

   I can't explain why but whenever I see a blind person, I instinctively refuse to say or do anything to alert them that I'm there. Instead, I stealthily scoot to the side as they pass me. It's what a ninja must feel like all the time.

   Whenever I receive an email from "MAILER-DAEMON" I feel like I should have my inbox blessed by a priest.

   Man you cant be old and have that blue 200 flush cleaner. I have blue ballz now cause they sag so low

   wonders if someone driving a VW bug knows they are causing fistfights wherever they go.

   I don't know what it is about Snookies face but it makes me wanna take a dump

   I guess the truth really does hurt. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle when the seat's missing, but it hurts.

   's mind suffered a mild psychotic episode, will be back as soon as the narcotics kick in ;)

   Dear Man Next To Me: You might want to turn down your iPod, because everyone in the room can tell you're listening to "Party In The USA" even though you don't think they can.

   gave a pint of blood today... too bad it was at the dentist's office

   ~There are a lot of things you dont know about me facebook..Things you wouldn't understand......Things you couldn't understand........ Things you shouldn't understand.~

   Dear Loreal, your hair coloring products get rid of my gray hair and your cosmetics make me look younger, but tell me what you were thinking when you came up with this self-tanning lotion that makes your skin orange?

   thinks it is nice when people are at least a little humble, even if it isn't their BEST quality like it is for me.

   Sorry little boy who came to my door trying to make a better life for yourself, but I will not buy that 7$ candy bar from you when I can get the same candy bar for a buck at the store.

   So they've sent George Michael to prison. Isn't that like sentencing Vanessa Feltz to eight weeks in a chocolate factory?

   would rather check her facebook than face her check book