Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the only difference between a oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is the taste

   stephen hawking may be a genius, but he is not setting much of an example to kids by just sitting at his computer all day

   Right now my life is like a video game I'm stuck on this level without ne cheat codes

   I also propose that two gay nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque to promote tolerance in the mosque. We could call them "The Turban Cowboy"and "You Mecca Me Hot."

   Interesting NFL fact: Brett Favre is the only active play to be drafted by the Confederate Army and the NFL

   Cell phones are great but I wish people would select better ringtones than, "Ring, ding, dong, Ringer, Ringer, Ding, Ding, Dong..."WTF???

   Do you realize that in about 40-50 years, nursing homes will be filled with old ladies with tramp stamps over their butts? I don't want to even think about the piercings.

   If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged... I would just start yelling out letters!

   Wouldn't you think that lego people give the perfect hand jobs!?!?!

   When in doubt, whip it out..

   Cremation..........think outside the box

   a recent survey has found that most men do not partake in doing Gym, Tan, Laundry (GTL) as ritual before going to an evening event/gala. Adversely, men are apt to remain active in an older tradition spanning many decades... Shave, Shower, Sh-it. (SSS)

   When you tell a kid "maybe" all they here is "I swear on my life this will DEF happen!"

   Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?

   In America, you will eventually have a President that used to play Pokemon as a child. Scary.

   I bet teaching abstinence in school now days is much easier with the invention of the #FleshLight

   that a gun in ur pocket...or you just happy to see me? ;)P

   YEP McDonald's has done it AGAIN.....f*cked up ANOTHER order!!

   trying to drown all her troubles, but couldn't get her husband to go swimming.

   I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 26yrs!