Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do not remove a fly from your friend's forehead with a hatchet.

   Dear Americans, you need to burn Calories, NOT THE QURAAN !!

   Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn't mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine;)

   OK...I have 20 Bowls and 20 Lids...Not NONE of the dang things match!!

   Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.

   wondering if night-time funeral processions drive with their lights off or what?

   Think the Crayola people would get mad if I try to burn there Crayon?

   when the Neilson Ratings called me to survey what I watch on TV... I let them know what shows are stupid and pointless....Unfortunately, they are still airing JERSEY SHORE!

   Wait they replaced The Cookie Monster on Sesame Street with The Veggie Monster? What the f**k is this?

   when I was a YOUNG artist.... my box of CRAYONS would only last ONCE...I would burn and MELT them into ART!

   In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.

   SKY news announced that Tampax have signed on to sponsor Tiger Woods. A spokesman for Tampax said, "To sponsor a c*nt going through a bad period is exactly what our company is all about".

   just came out of KFC with a Family Feast and some awesome sides. A poor homeless man sat there and said, "I haven't eaten for two days". I said, "I wish I had your f*ing willpower!".

   contemplating standing up from his desk, stripping down to his tighty whities whilst spontaneously yelling out "Frank the Tank" as he walks out the door...

   A fat chick served me at McDonalds earlier. She said, "Sorry about the wait". I said, "Don't worry darl, you'll lose it eventually".

   Yoko Ono will once again oppose the parole of Mark David Chapman - the man who shot and killed John Lennon 30 years ago. Perhaps she ought to rethink that - I hear Chapman has a Jonas Brothers obsession now.

   People keep telling me the right man will come along. I think mine got hit by a truck.

   Nothing witty to be posted.....(wait for it).....today :|

   All bleeding stops……..eventually

   If it's warm, wet, sticky and NOT yours??? DON'T TOUCH IT!