Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If there's one thing I definitely couldn't live without, it would probably be my body.

   When someone says, "Expect the unexpected," I like to punch them in the face to express my agreement.

   The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.

   I'm not saying our schools suck, but after one day of sex ed, my kid thinks single parents are the result of masturbation.

   Does all this updating my Facebook status make my ego look fat?

   I'm feeling so good today, I'd like to ask you to high-five the person next to you and tell them it's from me.

   With a name like "Earl," I'm more afraid this hurricane will get drunk and beat a pregnant woman, than I am that it will cause flooding.

   One of my pet peeves is women who don't put the toilet seat back up when they're finished.

   Signs that you have no life: when you have nothing better to do than complain.

   Man vs. Wild = MAN WINS!!.....Man vs. Discovery Channel = The Police Win!! I can't wait to watch the Discovery Channel Special of the Hostage Crisis on the Discovery Channel.

   Judging from the ads that constantly besiege us, I guess TV execs think that the only ones home watching TV during the day are injured at work, sick from a recalled medication, or unemployed with an abundance of gold jewelry.

   Cut my life into pizza's, this is my plastic fork. Oven baking, heavy breathing, dont give a f**k if it's carbs that I'm eatting;)

   a love-ate relationship with food.

   Hoping the hurricane washes up jersey shore!

   thanks his mum for teaching him TIME TRAVEL as a kid. She would always say: "straighten up or I'll knock you into next week!"

   come to the conclusion, after visiting her grandparents, that she is moving into a retirement home.. they have chairs in the shower and the toilets have arm rests!!! Can anyone say..SWEET!!!

   saying of course, the Squirrels!! gotta save the Squirrels..those flying ones are some cool gliding rodents

   worried, my monkey has a drinking problem

   shhhh..I am having a staring contest with the back of her eyelids and I think I am about to win

   Why do repairmen never have the part they need to fix something and say they'll come back in a few days when they get it? It's like a cop showing up to arrest someone and saying "Oh sorry. Looks like I'll need handcuffs. I'll be back in few days with them