Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thinking God's has a great personality, Both my wife and girlfriend are on the rag at the same time.

   My invisible make believe deity can beat up your invisible make believe deity

   EPIC FAIL: Ripping the easy-open tab right off the last can of chef boyardee ravioli and not having a can opener to back it up."

   The first rule of Hangover Club is: SHHHH

   flicking Captain Crunch at an evil garden gnome

   The economy is so bad, If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them.

   The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail...

   Ok ladies, a night with me will give you examples for your future daughters of what kind of guy to watch out for, but in the meantime, it will give you one hell of a story to tell your girlfriends!

   why is there a diet version of everything good except chocolate? hmm...where does Hershey's keep their "suggestion box"?

   Never tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.

   if texting and driving is dangerous....look at me I'm updating my face book!

   The economy is so bad that I ordered a Big Mac at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

   If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

   Studies have finally discovered what is wrong with the male brain. On the left side, there is nothing right, and on the rightside, there is nothing left!

   That's a nice suit. When did the clown die?

   For some of you that habitually change your relationship statuses, Facebook should offer an "is being played by _________" option.

   My wife gave me an apple to eat for breakfast. So, this is what Adam felt like.

   I don't run from hurricanes, I drink them.........

   Just realized me and Eminem could never be in a relationship cause I was be scared he would wanna tie me to the bed and set the house on fire!!

   Happy Birthday old friend...(note to self) keep fire extinquisher handy just in case.