Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is a guy walking down the street. He has sagging pants, a hoodie with the hood up, and a gold chain. He walks into a convenient store and pulls out a gun and says "Give me all of the money!" Quick, What was the race of the guy in your imagination?

   climbing into your windows and snatchin yo people up...

   life is like a box of chocolates..and sometimes you get ex lax....

   I'm Starving....well obviously not in a third world kind of way.....

   needs to figure out how to get the benefits of a sugar daddy without the 'daddy.'

   Girls don't shop because they need something, they shop for shopping's sake;)

   Whenever I flush a bug down the toilet,I have to watch and make sure it dosen't come back, zombie style, with revenge in it's tiny heart.

   Stepping in some water barefoot in the kitchen, not so bad.Stepping in some water with socks on, bloody catastrophic.

   I bet the homeless are really nice people. They never wake up on the wrong side of the bed.

   I'm an organ donor, but I'm pretty sure all they're going to use is my liver for "after" photos.

   Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer. Bad news: not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.

   I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt.

   What is with these married women and their excessively long names on Facebook? I wonder if Michelle Carrie Ann Thompson-Anderson realizes her last name is a f*cking run-on sentence. Trim that sh*t down, b*tch.

   I think it's sort of mean for the closed caption on movies to say" Music playing". Wouldn't it be nicer just to not mention that?

   I'm thankful that baby teeth are the only things that kids lose while growing up. Imagine the trauma of a nose falling off. Or a leg. "Why's your daughter hopping around like that?" "Oh, she just lost her baby leg last night."

   My ceiling fan has two settings... "On" and "S#it, that's dusty."

   You show me a giant stuffed hippopotamus at a Wal-Mart and I'd NEVER even consider buying it. But at the local county fair... I'll spend every last penny I have to be the bad ass walking to my car with it.

   Whenever people are speaking a different language in front of me, I automatically assume they're talking about me and give them a dirty look just to let them know I'm on to them.

   "Avatar"... returns to theaters this week, with 9 mins added to the movie. These additional minutes r very important. They explain how the blue ppl got that way by cross-breeding with Smurfs...

   I'm sorry,Mr. Wasp,but I had to kill you. You're too stupid to see my kitchen window and kept smacking into it. And too stupid to see me trying to help you. Stupidity isn't acceptable in my household. You had to go.