Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So excited..I just won "the lottery"!! Ouch!! Wait a second, why is everybody in town throwing stones at me?

   This is a test of the Facebook Status Message System. The user of this status has developed this system to keep you informed in the event of an emergency. If this was an actual emergency, I sure as hell wouldn't still be here but running around screamin

   How did the blond get lipstick on her steering wheel? She tried to blow the horn.

   Booty texts are much better than booty calls. You can send several out at a time and increase your chances!

   likes For ALL You PeOpLe to STOP liking every little THANG on Facebook! on ♥.

   Being British is about driving a German car to an Irish pub for Belgian beer, then going home to sit on Swedish furniture, watching American shows on a Japanese TV.

   just wondering if there's ever been a "hook-up" on "Wife Swap" that ABC just couldn't air! LOL! Wouldn't that be HILARIOUS?!!!=)

   can dance if he wants to. He can leave his friends behind.

   you ever notice that when the bad guy is shooting at Superman, he stands there and lets the bullets bounce of his chest but when they throw the gun, he ducks?

   When I grow up I'd like to be a "Retired Lottery Winner."

   hated my many. Confronted my none!

   I never thought I would be one of those people who get up early to hit the gym every day. I was right.

   While driving I listen to my music fairly loud until the minute I can't find something I'm looking for. Then there must be complete silence in order for me to see.

   I noticed a lot of people looking at me today and laughing, so I kept checking my fly to see if it was open. That's all it could possibly be because these cut-off jean shorts are awesome.

   I was making dinner when a pan suddenly caught on fire. I don't know which is worse... the fact that I almost set my kitchen ablaze, or the fact that my first reaction was to move my beer to safety.

   Of all the advice given to me over the years, "There really is no bad time for a beer" has proved to be the most helpful. Thanks ma.

   Finding a wasp in your car is already plenty scary, but I swear the thing was also singing Tupac's "Ambitions of a Rider." Now you're just taunting me, dude.

   You know it's too early when you try to put the cereal box in the refrigerator.

   "You think you're better than me?" No, I don't fall prey to the notion that one person can be 'better' than another. How good a person is, is completely impossible to quantify. I do think I'm smarter than you, though. And infinitely more awesome.

   If you're really curious whether or not you're ugly, just tell a co-worker of the opposite sex that their ass looks really hot when they wear those pants. If he/she reports you for sexual harassment, there's your answser.