Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   went to Benjamin Moore and learned that her skin color is Pueblo Sand. Which is too bad, because we're in a race war with the people who are Classic Taupe.

   don't take to heart anything I say. My opinions are just that...MY opinions. Nothing I say can be set in stone, besides I don't even own a chisel.

   Following a successful off-season surgery, Favre appears ready to return for his 20th NFL season.... lobotomies must heal fairly quickly.

   Following a successful off-season surgery, Favre appears ready to return for his 20th NFL season.... lobotomies must heal fairly quickly.

   I got so drunk last night I thought a tube of toothpaste was astronaut food.

   Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal? Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

   Some people find themselves spending more time on their ex's FB page more then they spent time on their ex period.

   I may not know karate but I do know crazy.

   An auto-flush urinal made me feel insecure about my manhood by flushing while I was peeing, as if to say "nothing registers as being there."

   not here for your sexual fantasies

   My wife said I was gaining weight....I said " Duhhhh ! " ..... I used to be 8lbs, 6 ozs

   Old McDonald was dyslexic, o.i.e.i.e

   my ex is a nob...he wears womens pants....he looks like Peter Griffin and his new girlfriend is council estate trash!....well it makes me laugh anyway!

   I love when doors automatically open for you, it makes me feel like I am a JeDi ;D

   Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.

   I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

   You should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. And lime. And shot of tequila.

   Hey ESPN,this is not MTV...How about showing some scores and highlights and keeping your opinions to yourself.enough with the drama.

   Did my good deed for the day. Rescued a poor little beer from the fridge.....It's name was miller lite and it was a cool little dude.

   does anyone still miss the old facebook?.. yeah that's what I thought, sell-outs."