Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you think P.Diddy ever wakes up feeling like kesha ?

   If I saw spiderman I would ask him to help me get 2 work fast, if I saw batman I would ask where he got all those cool toys, if I saw superman I would want help gettin my skateboard off the roof..if I saw wonderwoman I would ask "where's my sandwhich?"

   Its Friday 13th,an unlucky day.To counteract that you could try a Rabbits Foot or a Lucky Horseshoe. Horseshoes usually bring good luck today,but never trust a horse that wears high heels & remember to never trust a rabbit that tries to sell you his foot.

   People used to protest things... Now they just join Facebook groups named 1,000,000 strong against ___________ .

   it just me or does anyone else die a little bit inside when they lose an fb friend? *tear!*

   This has been idiot week. Thank you so much for participating!!

   We have women in the military, but we don't put them in the front lines. We don't know if they can fight or if they can kill. I think they can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look f

   Has decided to write all her statuses in capitals from now on. This one was written in London.

   A school teacher asks her young students "What comes after 69?" One little girl raises her hand so the teacher lets her speak. "Well, you clean your face then wash your mouth out....duh!"

   My mom used to say that I'm wasting my life playing all these video games... thats ok, I still have more lives!

   Wonders if anyone calls that number on trucks that says, "How's my driving?" to tell them their driver is driving amazingly well!

   We're no strangers to love you know the rules and so do I a full commitments what I'm thinking of you wouldn't get this from any other guy I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling gotta make you understand never gonna give you up HAPPY FRIDAY THE 13TH!

   A truck load of tortoises get in a wreck with a boat load of terrapins... it was a turtle disaster!

   Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one...and got hit by a bus.

   I think "the new G.M." should implement long-overdue improvements in their new vehicles. Like restraints in the back of all turnip trucks.

   I remember when I was younger "Friday the 13th" used to make think about Jason movies. Now all I can think about is "Do the bars have any specials today?"

   My five year old son was getting out of the shower and with a puzzled look asked, dad what are these for? Being caught a little off guard, I replied... Balance...

   IF A MALE AND FEMALE ARE IN THE SAME ROOM 8 HOURS A DAY 5 DAYS A WEEK ITS GONNA HAPPEND SONNER OR LATER

   You ever watched ants? You got that kinda time on your hands like me??

   doesn't believe you should get so caught up in avoiding lightning, that you miss the storm...