Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks the markets are sliding faster today than a disgruntled flight attendant.

   I run 3-4 miles a day being a crook keeps me in shape... Cops are on the way ttyl!!

   A Pennsylvania woman alleges Donald Duck grabbed her breast and molested her at Epcot Center in Florida after she sought an autograph. Mickey and Minnie witnessed the event. Mr. Duck could not be reached for comment.

   You may not like her but Jesus thinks she's to die for

   Have you ever just wanted to kick someone and scream "THIS IS SPARTA!!!"

   I'm so good at bullsh*ting that I just convinced myself I'm in a good mood.

   I'm just a boy.. standing in front of a girl.. asking her to love him.. long time.

   I just dusted and mopped the house like 3 months ago and it's dirty again. This is bullsh*t.

   Dear Facebook, these people that you are suggestion her to friends with is making her sad. She thought you knew better than that.

   wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark

   So Lebron is going to take mental notes on everyone who's been taking shots at him this summer... I mean, if it was actual notes, with like a pen and paper, I might be scared! but since it's mental notes... nothing to worry about!

   So Lebron is keeping a list... you know who else is keeping a list? Delonte West. and you know who's mom is on there???

   loves Fridays but Friday the 13th is so stressfull. You have to watch out for black cats, don't walk under a ladder, open an umbrella inside and watch out for guys named Jason with machettes.

   decided to go barefoot, because i'm always thinking outside the socks

   reality shows about cake bosses, exterminators, ghost chasing plumbers, douchey Jersey people , pawn brokers, repo guys, and vapid celebutards... what's next? A show about paint drying?

   as bored as a midget in a theme park

   has come to the conclusion that people who think they are better than anybody else have to think that way because no one else thinks they are...

   Do you really have to like everything on Facebook....????

   A study reported that iPhone users have more sex. Most likely cause is that there's an app for that.

   How many animals can you get into a pair of tights? 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 p*ssy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.