Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wasn't born or thrust into greatness; I just had the tools and a choice...

   If I don't appear to be listening to you, don't take it personal. I am just not interested in what you're saying.

   Sharkweek is over, jackass. Humming the theme song to 'Jaws' when the boss is approaching our aisle is no longer funny.

   was just thinking if God didn't want us to masturbate he would have made our arms shorter…maybe thats why the Trex was always so angry?

   found $20 under my bed ! my God, my room is so desperate to be cleaned, it's paying me. THE PLAN WORKED

   I never apologize. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am...

   dont waste your time , because time is money, and money is awesome , so dont waste your awesome

   For every LIKE I receive. I shall drink one Jager-Bomb (Jagermeister + Redbull)

   Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn't mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up.Where are you? You're on Facebook, r

   For english please press uno. WTH is going on here

   being defiant and popping his microwave popcorn with the "This Side Up" facing down. BITE ME REDEHBACHER!

   Dolphin position?... it's when your having sex doggy style and you go too put it in her ass and she turns around and goes eh eh eh eh.

   My bank lets me send a text message and it'll text back with my balance. It's a cool feature but I didn't think the LOL was necessary.

   wasted away again in Margaritaville

   Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films. "Okay," I said. "You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up."

   If you saw me in the back of a police car, what would you assume put me there?

   Ya think Vampires eat Tampons like Cotton Candy????

   Facebook is the ultimate weapon of couples' distraction and relationships' destruction

   Sometimes I wish I could just fast-forward through time, just to see if it's all worth it in relationship that we have..

   The one thing I hate about touch screen phones is the fact that you'll find yourself wiping them more then your ass.