Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It should be illegal to have humility as awesome as mine is.

   I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.

   Facebook — where you always have something better to do, but don't.

   Whoever is in charge of making sure I don't do dumb stuff is fired.

   Facebook should give a breathalyzer test before you can sign in.

   I don't care if it's rude to stare, you are hot, so I will stare.

   "Do Not Operate Heavy Machinery or use Facebook while under the influence of medication"

   Ladies If it takes you more than a hour to get ready, then you ain't as cute as you think you are

   - I've had so many f**king blind dates recently....I should be eligible to a free dog...

   Charles Rangel has been accused of 13 violations of Congressional ethical standards. I'm surprised that Congress has ethics standards.

   Drag racing would be a lot more fun if I didn't have to wear a dress.

   I hate it when at the drive thru they give you 2 packs of sauce sauce for a 10 nuggets, but 2 packs of ketchup for a large fry! WTF?!

   now playing "Ice Ice Baby" Dont Judge Me

   just read that burglars use Facebook to find out when people aren't home... so from now on, i'm at home, with a knife, and a hungry alligator (:

   its not that I cant do a rubiks cube its just your colorblind.. :)

   best way to start a day is with a happy ending!!

   If you don't like my words, don't listen. If you don't like my appearance, don't look. If you don't like my actions, turn your head; It's as simple as that.

   damn mu gigantic thumbs on this litle blavkbetry keyborsd

   Yea your in my room. I can be as almost naked as I want...

   I think NASCAR would be fun if they added a 92-year old driving the opposite way in a Duster.