Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I were a pilot I would scream "WE'RE GOING DOWN" every time I landed the plane.

   "Cannot connect to network, try resetting your wireless router." Umm OK but what if my router is in my neighbor's house? Should I call him?

   Sometimes I think if it weren't for the free coffee I would never go to work.

   Wonders if getting excited in your car is considered autoerotic?

   If you dont like being tailgated then dont play movies I like.

   I think it's pretty funny that people don't have a problem hitting the key pad several times to type out statuses, but FLIP OUT and start talking about starting farms on fire and killing animals instead of just hitting the one key "ignore" on a farm requ

   GIRLS are so hard to understand.... If you go out with your boyz = ur too much of a player. If you want to be with them a lot = ur too needy .. WTF !

   looks arent everything, but they sure do help

   wonderong how long you should wait before you should tell a highway it's adopted

   New Year's eve practice tonight

   Due to the success of Toy story 3. BP are in talks to release, "Try Finding Nemo Now".

   if you have trouble tying knots...handcuffs make the perfect gift

   sent my mom a text asking if she wanted to get pedis today but iPhone auto corrected it to penis...awkward.

   You looked good until you said something stupid!!!

   i like kids, but I dont think I could eat a whole one

   So, was Snooki taken to juvie??

   Has come to the conclusion that the weekend is a man, it comes too quick then you don't hear from it for a week!!

   Do you ever look at girls' pictures on facebook and feel them up with your cursor??? --uhhh, either do i!

   playing 'call of duty' on my laptop on the plane was a bad idea

   Im better at sex than anyone; now all I need is a partner.