Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if I wanted any lip from you, i'd rattle my zipper..

   i am always right, never wrong, one time I thought I was wrong, but I was wrong...

   Should I say Thank You when someone tell me *You look good TODAY!!!*?

   I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

   Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

   You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

   If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

   he really wants to control the television remotely but is unable to locate the device that fulfills that desire.

   You know you're in the ghetto when the liquor stores have posters of Tanqueray, Black & Milds, and signs for a 2 piece chicken dinner special in the window.

   if you beat the odds , they all knew you could do it.

   I know you lifes not that interesting you only took those pictures to post on facebook.

   Women, don't get a tattoo. That butterfly looks great on your breast when you're twenty or thirty, but when you get to seventy, it stretches into a condor.

   Today, give a stranger one of your smiles. It might be the only sunshine he sees all day.

   Woke up naked in a Quick Lube. I'm on the lift. No sign of my car. This can't be good.

   Pornography is literature designed to be read with one hand.

   You can get your appetite elsewhere, as long as you eat at home.

   You can't live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you.

   I'm watching one of those shows where an ugly dude preaches and pretends to heal people. It's called "Oprah"

   WTF? You look like you've been slapped by the Devil....!!!

   I love sleep so much that its the first thing I think about when I wake up....