Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can be the only guy at Walmart at two in the morning but as soon as I whip that box of Tampax on the belt, the checkout line is full and they do a price check.

   The Stones are doing a farewell tour. Gonna miss Fred and Barney.

   just got a phone call reminder from my dentist about an appointment to come in for a cavity search...

   Why do they always staff the slowest cashier at the express lanes at Walmart?

   Pop Rocks and Condoms! All I can say is WOW!

   I don't know why some girls refuse to use a porta-potty. It's not like us men pee on the seat on purpose...geesh:)

   There's no such thing as being "big boned." How many fat skeletons have you ever seen???

   It's hard to get the big picture when you have such a small screen.

   Keep talking........ I always yawn when I'm interested.

   Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.

   Master Chef: I am glad the 3rd guy is bald... it matches his d.ick-head personality.

   it me or are 75% of the people that use handicap parking spots not suffering from a handicap at all???

   When you say, “Jump!” I say, “Under which bus?”

   the only reason why I will wear this HIDEOUS bridesmaid dress is so that a drunk groomsmen can rip it off me later with his teeth.

   figured out that the shin bone is intended for finding furniture in a dark room.

   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

   wonders why everyone on facebook looks like they had a stroke I mean seriously that facial expression is stupid, and holding up the peace sign doesnt make you look any smarter.

   God put one arm around me today for love and protection and then your hand over my mouth...It's just gonna be one of those days!

   thinking that the dude who invented the self cleaning oven was an underachiever. I am sure if he put his mind to it he could have came up with the self cleaning house.

   If at first you don't succeed drink lots of Margaritas and blame that on your inadequacies.