Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Don't buy condoms at BP gas stations. They may burst and result in a leak..."

   while at a local Chinese restaurant I noticed a suggestion box and I wrote, "Free Tibet"

   thinks it's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

   PMS + GPS = Crazy biotch that WILL find you.

   Dreams of moving to India or Pakistan.....and becoming a Taxi driver

   ending every sentence with "I'm Batman" instantly makes everything you say sound bad ass."

   sometimes I wish my clothes were suicidal so they would hang themselves.

   I wish my lawn was goth so it would cut itself.

   Falling in love is like getting drunk. you wake up with a horrible hangover, swearing that you'll never drink again ;-)*

   Finally returning your knife. Just got it out of my back.

   Sometimes I wish I was a bird, so that when times got tough I could just fly over certain people and sh*t on their heads!

   I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.

   "Now if I could just figure out something to do with my hands, I'd be set!" - Every white guy while dancing, ever.

   Took a nap today... Fell asleep watching golf and woke up and softball was on. That might explain the dream with the lesbians.

   got a phone call reminder from the dentist about an appointment to come in for a cavity search...

   There's a photographer traveling around the world taking pictures of the worlds oldest people. Isn't Larry King on television?

   Insurance is the only thing we pay for, bit are afraid to use......... Brilliant!!!!

   OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", What does that make the Tennessee Titans ?

   Ever wonder about those people who spend £1.50 on those little bottles of Evian water?.. Try spelling Evian backwards.

   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak...