Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Certain cars really say something about you..For instance...Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler! and Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year! lol

   The best reason for being Italian is so that you can braid your girlfriends armpit hair!!!

   I might not have a lot of one thing, but I have enough of everything, and for that I'm blessed.

   A lot of mistakes, bad decisions, poor judgements, and total screw ups has led me to the right person in the right place at the right time.....

   goin to go to wal-mart and when the intercom comes on sit in an isle rock back and forth saying the voices are back!

   theres nothing like the rush you get when you color outside the lines...

   remember when you. tongue punched that 300 pound woman in the fartbox?

   thinks it's Hotter Outside then a Las Vegas Sidewalk on the Fourth of July!.."

   "Whoever said that 'laughter is the best medicine,' never suffered from erectile dysfunction."

   If I wanted a joke, I'd follow you into the john and watch you take a leak

   if the farmer is in the dell, who's tending the farm?

   If it's broken, fix it. If it's lost, find it. If it's loud turn it down. If it's hot, cool it off. If it burns when you pee, call all of your exes

   I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between ignorance and complete stupidity ... but then someone always comes along and clears it up for me. THANKS!!

   I think Girls are like drugs, they make you feel soo good, but then they end up hurting you and you still want more.

   currently watching a jailbait parade

   Rush Limbaugh is the new spokesman for preparation "H". There is no follow up needed.

   Mr, T is opening a vegetarian restaurant. It's called "I pity the tofu".

   Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don't make eye contact while eating a banana...

   In the past, people got fired putting that they hate their job on facebook. well I HATE MY JOB! I HATE MY JOB! --hope this works for me.

   needs to clean my house....is there an app for that?