Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ‎~ A teacher at a school for overweight kids was fired for snorting cocaine. His massive pupils gave him away.

   pleased that Mr T has spoken out about the whole BP shemozzle. He said, "I pity the fuel".

   ~ A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

   walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k and 1mb. That was a trip down memory lane.

   went into a library dressed as a German classical composer and asked for a book on Austrian actors. The librarian said, "Aisle B, Bach".

   ~ A man went to see a psychiatrist, wearing only Gladwrap shorts. The shrink said, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts".

   wondering who trains the suicide bombers how to do it..

   `edison failed 10,000 times before he made the electric light.do not be discouraged if you fail a few times`-napoleon Hill

   While driving saw a woman smoking in her Prius...obviously she doesn't see the irony!

   blocked you from my news feed. I don't care how many mobsters you've iced, that you found a pink sheep on your farm, or that you've redecorated your virtual apartment.

   I like to pretend I'm a judge on "So You Think You Can Dance" when I'm at the strip club.

   What appears to be the end may really be a new beginning

   Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

   Knowledge is power, if you know it about the right person.

   Complain: To explain your pain for no gain.

   Of course I'm out of my mind. It's dark and scary in there.

   "Show me a sane man, and I will cure him for you."

   Facebook has revealed that there are many, many people just like me and now I know why the world is screwed.

   Does a midget using an iphone look like a regular person using an ipad?

   ...wondering why the police never send out any "feline units"...