Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People who say I am hard to shop for evidently don't know where to buy beer.

   realized that a dog is truly a mans best friend. Locked the dog and the wife in the car boot for 1hour. Guess who was happy to see me and who wasn't??

   thinks that iPad is an iPod for fat people.

   There are 3 kinds of people in the world. One is the solution to the problem, one is the problem, while the other is wondering what was the problem???

   Don't look at me in that tone of voice!

   thinks there should be a Facebook button that says "I liked your status until every man and his dog decided to comment on it".

   cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

   a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am.

   always wanted to be somebody. Now she realises that she should have been more specific.

   has often thought that what doesn't kill us makes us drink stronger liquor

   not remotely sober. Nor am I sober up close.

   feeling politely confrontational this evening. Would anyone care for a piece of me?

   fed up with all the emails I keep getting on how to enlarge my penis, particularly since I'm a woman...so I've forwarded them to my ex.

   thinks if you have a chip on your shoulder, you're missing your mouth.

   ...it's not you, it's me. I don't like you

   Computer games don't effect kids, I mean if Pac-Man affected kids, we'll all be around darkened rooms munching magic pills, listening to repetitive electronic music.

   just two away from a threesome

   was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger...and then it hit me

   Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets

   was so depressed last night that I called Lifeline. I got through to a call centre in Afghanistan. I told them I was suicidal - they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.