Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yeah drugs are cool, but have you ever had ice water at 2:00am?

   It’s nice outside, I think I’ll go sit on the patio. (1207 mosquitos like this)

   When you find out he can cook, has correct grammar and runs a meme page. (next thing I knew, I was pregnant)

   It’s okay to be sad after making the right decision.

   Papa Bear: Read the part again where she burns her whore mouth on my porridge.

   If I die, don’t let me vote for Biden.

   Now that the statues are down, tell us how your life has improved. Take your time, I’ll wait.

   Her: I have ovaries. Him: Is that why you ovary act?

   Brain: Don’t press send! Heart: But, we’re in love. Brain: We only met her yesterday!

   “Fact Checkers” didn’t exist until the truth started getting out.

   I was surprised to learn that Elon Musk was from South Africa. I figured he would be from Mad-at-gas-car...

   I told my boss today I wanted to take some mental health leave but I was all out. He said "You're all out of leave?" I said "No, I'm all out of mental health."

   Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple twice for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

   With all the controversy surrounding public restrooms, I am now identifying myself as 'waiting til I get my arse home'

   Just might make a career change....I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes

   If you think about it, The Kentucky Derby is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.

   I don't want to be a millionaire. I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

   I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies

   I realized how non-materialistic I am. To me, a step up the social ladder isn't a new car, house, or clothes... it's the rare occasion when I line the waste paper basket in the bathroom with a Target bag instead of one from Wal-Mart.

   If your IQ is 35 but you think it’s 220, you’re probably a moron.