Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Valentine's Day. The one day out of the year the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.

   No one ever injured their eyesight by looking on the bright side of things.

   The good thing about dating Black girls is not having to meet their fathers

   Some would call me a "Foodie", but that definition is too refined. I'm more along the lines of a glutton.

   Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.

   Gave my wife leftover candy from Halloween and she says “why is this candy shaped like a ghost? “ I says “cuz you my boo”.

   No woman will ever be truly satisfied on Valentines day because no man has a chocolate slong wrapped in money that ejaculates diamonds.

   Happy Valentines ay, ladies. Don't worry, you'll be getting the D soon.

   The Mail In vote, the senate convicted Trump 7360 to 5.

   It's Valentine's Day so I'm spending time with my true love...yes I'm in the garage.

   "Your The Only One For Me" Valentine's Day cards on sale 2 for $5 just seems wrong, totally wrong.

   Daytona 500 at the Daytona International Speedway today. International? Really? Which car is the guy from Mumbai driving?

   Just to let you know, I'm never gonna let you forget how you believed that a secret cabal of Satan-worshipping, cannibalistic pedophiles was running a global child sex-trafficking ring and plotted against our country. Seriously, what were you smoking????

   I probably would be celebrating St Valentine's today but I have scruples and can't forgive Madonna for dating that male dancer Ahlamalik Williams.

   If you want to know why Paul McCartney never invited Ringo to dinner, he wouldn't share the drumsticks.

   Did you hear about the new squirrel diet? It's just nuts.

   If your ever wondering which baseball player has the shortest commute to work, it's the catcher who only works from home.

   nothing sacred? First girls allowed in the Boy Scouts and now Pitbull in NASCAR.

   Marking myself safe from singles awareness day.

   If you ever wondering why Vincent van Gogh was such a good friend, He was willing to lend an ear.