Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 6070 of 6383
If you keep referring to your girlfriend as your lady friend I'm going to automatically assume you met on Craigslist.
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12-16-2020 22:42
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Not today, Satan. Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
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12-17-2020 08:04
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My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch....
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12-17-2020 08:39 by MM740
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You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one......but think the odds of winning the HGTV Dream Home are pretty good.
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12-17-2020 12:01 by Moon
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Stephen King's son is named Joe. I'm not joking, he is.
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12-17-2020 12:36
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why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
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12-17-2020 16:06
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A speedo is just a man’s way of saying “not today girls”.
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12-17-2020 16:07
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anybody else having trouble logging into my wife’s Facebook account?
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12-17-2020 16:08
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I’m married, yet the only person that willingly goes down on their knees in front of my crotch is a 72 year old suit tailor named Pablo.
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12-17-2020 16:11
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Me: I'm not getting the Covid vaccine because I don't know what is in it. Also me: I'll have two McRib sandwiches to go, please.
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12-17-2020 18:44
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Queen's Gambit: The only thing more boring than chess, is a series about it.
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12-17-2020 19:53
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When I die I want why tombstone to offer free wifi so that people will connect to me often
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12-17-2020 20:55
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If you're offended by someone else's tweet, they aren't insensitive, you're just a p*ssy.
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12-17-2020 21:18
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Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
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12-18-2020 07:35
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You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
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12-18-2020 07:36
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I switched all the labels on the Spice rack..... I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
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12-18-2020 09:51
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I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
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12-18-2020 09:58
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*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
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12-18-2020 10:00
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Lexus commercial: husband surprises wife with a new car in the driveway. I surprise both of them by shooting it with a paintball gun
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12-18-2020 10:45
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Getting clothes for Christmas is like getting vegetables for your birthday. Yeah, you need them, but that doesn't make them appropriate.
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12-18-2020 11:16
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