Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I enjoy watching uptight people try to act laid back.

   Its been a business doing pleasure with you...

   Giving this positive outlook thing the old college try. Which means I'll only try on Tuesdays and Thursdays after noon.

   100 calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off.

   downloading all the audio from the Mel Gibson tapes and making ring tones out of them

   Why.....do the best-looking cars have the dumbest drivers

   Two iPhones got married. It was a lovely ceremony, but the reception was awful... Aparently they held it in the wrong place

   After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.

   I wish some people were like Etch-A-Sketch's...when you shake the sh*t out of them they disappear.

   cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass...

   I wish some people were like Etch-A-Sketch's...when you shake the sh*t out of them they disappear.

   Angelina Jolie is the prettiest ugly chick I've ever seen!

   I think the Hope And Change has turned into Hump and Dump.

   "Look, there's a difference between 'ninja' and 'ninjer'."

   be like a postage stamp,stick to one thing till you get there

   if you do not change direction,u may end up where you are going

   I found myself lost in deep thought today. What a strange and scary place that was

   Forget the damn past. Remember the lesson.

   cutting I'm cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look cool and after all it's summer.

   behind every great man is a woman, and behind that woman is another woman....... And another woman....... And another woman.... And another