father OR dad Funny Status Messages

   Father: "I'm the BOSS. I make the rules and run this house, understand?" Daughter: "Why are you whispering daddy?" Father: "I don't want your mother to hear me."

   My mother + my father - condom = COOLEST PERSON ALIVE! :-).

   two young boys are lying in a snow bank outside of church with their pants down. when asked what they were doing they said "father likes a couple cold ones before mass begins"

   Wife quote of the weekend: "I can't believe Kim Kardashian is making 2 million dollars off her wedding, and all I made was 2 kids and my father really mad." Thanks, honey, it's all been magical for me too...

   doesn't that swirling graphic the weather channels show of Irene look like a sonogram? I keep thinking the whole east coast is pregnant... and 'The Situation' is the father

   If there's one thing I've learned since becoming a father it's just because the kids say they don't want any bacon, make 2 extra slices, because they are lying.

   Any fool can be a Father, but it takes a real man to be a Daddy!!

   "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I told a lie just to earn some money." "Christ will forgive you, remember to put money into the donation box."

   Sadly there comes a day in every Father/Son Relationship where your son asserts himself by simply saying "No thank you" when you say "Pull my finger".

   My father was right up there with Einstein in the Science department...She taught me all about TIME TRAVEL "If you don't behave, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

   "Luke, I am your Father...and your Uncle"- Redneck Darth Vader

   The one thing you never wanna hear when your father catches you watching porn is... "Scoot over."

   The way I feel when a waiter finally brings my food is probably similar to the excitement of a dude on Maury who just got told he's not the father.

   Going to dress up as Maury Povich for Halloween and visit the hospital delivery room telling the guy he is not the father.

   A pregnant prostitute went to a doctor and he asked, “Do you know who the father is?” She replied, “Well, if you ate a can of baked beans, do you know which one made you fart?”

   My family's in the Iron and Steel buisness. My mother irons and my father steals.

   If your father never hugged you as a child then Rugby is the perfect sport for you.

   Our Father who art in Saint Louis, Baseball be thy game. Thy will be done, the NL Division will be won, on the field, as well as in the bullpen. Give us this day our bat and our glove, and forgive us our errors, as we forgive those who home-run against us

   Whenever a couple tells me that their baby was born premature, I glare accusingly at the father.

   Bless me father for I have sinned, my last confession was over 3 years- oh damn the roof is caving in HELLLPPPPP!"