Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I must be a proctologist... because I work with a*sholes.

   Babe, I can't promise you that you won't have problems in your life...but I can promise you that you'll never have to face them alone..

   Babe, I can't promise you that you won't have problems in your life...but I can promise you that you'll never have to face them alone..

   got so drunk last night that he apprantly had sent a text to his friend saying "dude, partys great, but were runnin out of alcohol, so email me a pack of captain morgans, then head over."

   Let's just call the iPhone what it really is: The Toilet Book Pro

   I would text you back, but I have no signal.

   Buying clothes once in awhile for a child doesn't make you a parent anymore than crapping on a windshield makes you a bird...

   wondering where Sascatchatoon is.

   Likes putting 1lb bags of M&M's in the Diabetic and Diet food asiles at the grocery store.

   F to the you to the C to the K pretty much sums up my day

   My therapist said I let other people control my emotions to much. I don't think that's true at all, what do you think?

   My MIL takes the F out of MILF.

   I'm having a healthy and nutritious Meal, and I'm washing it down with a healthy and nutritious BEER. This health food stuff is not as bad as I thought after all.

   climbing Mt. Washmore.

   hold tight to your most precious joys; make memories, laugh a lot, love more, give & accept lots of hugs because it could all be gone in the blink of an eye

   There was a decrease in attendence for Saturday's NASCAR event and a Tim McGraw concert. In related news, the 14th summer redneck games were held in Georgia.

   Ever try to take a Barbie out of it's packaging??? What, is she going to escape? Is she into bondage?

   It's like a blast of hydration...to your face.

   I think it's pretty funny how ppl take pictures of them selfs in bathrooms and then post it on FB

   thinks Starbucks should start selling a cup of "shut the _uck up" --grande size!