Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Confucius said: "To be old and wise, you first have to be young and stupid."

   In 5 years there will be no such thing as a baby gender - scan? You'll have to wait until it's 10 years old for it to tell you if it's a boy or a girl!

   Alcohol doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean..... Against the walls, tables, chairs ect ect

   You know you're really not liked at your job, when they relocate and don't tell you where.

   I think my car needs wheel alignment because it’s keeps going towards the liquor store

   People are strange? Last night the bloke in the next toilet stall to me started playing with himself? It put me right off my sandwich!

   A-ah Mario, I have-a de large a-brain!

   "Damn, this is going to get ugly" I thought, as my wife removed her makeup!

   Its a little frustrating how my speakerphone literally types everything I say exclamation mark

   I, put commas, in, weird places, so that you, read my jokes, like, William Shatner!

   Truth doesn’t matter when you just vote for your team regardless of their integrity.

   Guys, prove you're not a rapist by giving large sums of money to random women!

   A new study says that a lot of people on social media today will believe anything that starts out by saying a new study says.

   Good day to be an uneducated Amazon worker!

   before you know it, Amazon workers will be making Prime money

   Consciousness is the nightmare before sleep.

   Bachelor is a guy who will never find out how many faults he has.

   FACT : If someone is playing Xmas music in October, you're legally allowed to kill them and use their corpse as a Halloween decoration.

   Dictionary the only place where divorce comes before marriage.

   The only Blue Wave anyone is going to see this year is the one that hit the Carolina coast a few weeks ago.