Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was a kid the only flavor chapstick we had was medicine.

   2017 was not a total loss as I successfuly avoided listening to Despacito

   Cats always have that look on their face like you just asked if they would help you move next weekend

   It's disturbing to think that somewhere, someone might be listening to a Sane Clown Posse

   Spice up the holidays with random quotation marks: "Merry" Christmas to your family / Merry Christmas to "your" family / Merry Christmas to your "family"

   If aliens landed today they would think that our phones are mind control devices that -- hey I just got another text

   Apparently, my neighbor's nativity scene proves that he believes there was a Minion in Bethlehem

   By this point in December anytime I type 'amazing' into my phone it changes to Amazon so time to cut back online shopping and your sweater looks Amazon.

   How does the Little Mermaid decide which sea creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra?

   If we didn't have phones and had to go back to writing notes to each other on paper the hardest part would be drawing all the emojis

   The fastest way to end a perfect family moment is to try to take a picture of it

   I am waiting for the Fitbit upgrade that lets me buy 5000 extra steps

   Take your spouse to IKEA from time to time to check out the status of your relationship

   it a bad thing that Siri does not recognize my voice unless I have food in my mouth?

   The phrase "hooray for our side" was coin by men who watched lady Godiva ride her horse side saddle.

   Consumer confidence is at an all time high, and so am I.

   Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you said you were gay.

   I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.

   If you never climbed across the living room furniture as a child, pretending the floor was made out of lava, or built a fort out of cushions and blankets, you didn't have a real childhood.

   "We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.