Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sure hope no one has high expectations of me today.

   Trump dies one good deed and he wants an Oscar for his performance. Whatever happened to staying humble?

   So much for the party of family values. Republicans have now re-branded as the party of child molesters.

   Ugh. None of my Facebook friends have accepted my "Take Seven B&W Pictures of Your Life Print them Poster-Size, Tint them with Watercolors, Scan Them, Increase Vibrance by 50% then Post Each One with a 3-Word Description Challenge".

   If you could cross a centipede with a turkey you would have enough turkey legs for everyone.

   When I get coffee at Starbucks and the guy asks me my name I read his name tag and say his name and then he's like "Nooo wayy! That's my name too!" and I go like "Nooo wayy!" and I always think I'll get something free but I don't.

   After the Lavar Ball incidence, I now understand why Trump hates blacks.

   My cat has a fun new game called Catch & Release.. It catches the mice outside and brings them into the house and releases them.

   Pro tip: Use Shazam in your Uber to blow your drivers mind with your knowledge of their obscure immigrant music.

   The sales of sexbots have been skyrocketing. I wonder if they make an underage one? That's gonna be the hot seller among Hollywood and Democrats.

   BREAKING: NINTH CIRCUIT COURT OF APPEALS OVERTURNS TRUMP'S TURKEY PARDONS.

   An untalented gymnast walks into a bar....

   Chuck Schumer just released a new book, it's called; "How to Be a Giant Jack A$$"

   Tom Steyer just donated 25 million to the, "Let's Get REALLY Dumb Foundation"

   Please buy my new book: Losing weight while staying drunk.

   Black Friday: Because only in America, people trample each other for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have.

   [Watching Porn] How is there not lipstick everywhere?!

   For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

   On this Thanksgiving I am thankful to all of your post that make me look funny on Facebook.

   To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.