Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tupperware...how about TupperWHERE IS THE FRIGGIN LID!

   I wish we lived in a better world. A world where I can order mozzarella sticks, and not get judged or quetioned when I ask them to put cheese on them

   people either say i'm "pretty funny" or "pretty smart" but they always forget the word "and"

   Bars are opening early Thursday. Russian vodka shots 1/2 price....

   I had my GF wear her Starbucks uniform to bed for some role playing. She got my name wrong during thr sex. FML

   "Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can't hit a baseball."

   People are like cutlery. Women want to spoon and men want to fork.

   Except for a lawful euthanization, the malicious killing of a dog or a horse should prosecuted as a homicide.

   Strangers have the best candy..

   If life had a reset button. Mine would probably be worn off due to over pressing it.

   Wen I say "ladies first" to a girl I just wanna look at her ass. The point is I never say "ladies first" to skinny assless girls.

   I didn't say I was good in bed; I said I'm good, in bed.

   I thought a skunk would be faster considering the racing stripes and all.... *continues to unload tomato soup cans at check out

   Watching Comey testify was like watching Geraldo Rivera busting into Capone's vault....lots of media hype for nothing!

   Blonde girl tells her Blonde friend. I just f cked a " Brazilian " guy. She said " You Slut! How many is a Brazilian!?"

   I'm pretty sure that if I shot the sheriff, I would also shoot the deputy because at that point why the heck not?

   What has red hair, big feet, and lives in a test tube? Bozo the Clone.

   If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, hunt it down and beat the snot out of it.

   If you looked up the word "modest" in the dictionary, you would see a picture of me.

   I heard that if you golf enough, the terrorists eventually surrender.