Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don't think it's a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

   Today is Memorial Day, not Veterans Day, that's in November. It's okay to thank a Veteran but today is to honor those that gave the ultimate sacrifice.

   No I won't go fund you. I can't even go fund myself.

   My diet can be best described as carb loading for a marathon I'll never run.

   My son asked me what a dilemma was? "Imagine you're naked and in a big bed" I explained, "A beautiful woman on one side and a gay man on the other... Who are you going to turn your back on?"

   I HAVE SEEN MORE of tiger woods on facebook today than him on the pga tour in years

   I'll never understand when someone says that they hate to drink water. To me, that's like saying you hate breathing. "Hey, uh, would you happen to have something to breathe other than air?"

   " Your call is important to us followed by a 15 minute flute solo "

   Do race horses really pee more than regular horses?

   When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think "What would my grandfather do?" Then I leave home in my underwear and shout at random strangers.

   Good news is when your daughter pays back the $3000 she owes you. Bad news is when she gives it to you in singles that smell like whiskey & cigarettes.

   I saw a documentary last night on NatGeo about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.

   Life Tip: Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.

   Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn't exist?

   My wife dragged me kicking and screaming to this play. Somebody please kill me. ~Abraham Lincoln

   I'm not a professional caddy but Tiger Woods should have used a driver.

   Do bankruptcy lawyers really expect to be paid?

   Jeremy Joseph Christain is a hero. America needs more people like him.

   There is nothing worse than a kid with a toy that makes noise.

   OK. So I danced like no one was watching. My arraignment is next Tuesday.