Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some mornings you just can't smell enough coffee. ☕️

   Leaving out one letter can cost you thousands of dollars in legal fees: "Doll I'm having a blast in Las Vegas, wish you were her."

   I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.

   . Don't wear skinny jeans if you don't have skinny genes. Just saying

   Traffic signals: Red = Stop and look at phone. Green = Listen for horn signals. Yellow = Go

   Frozen Vegetables... Or as I like to call them: Ready made ice packs that help you get your ice cream home without melting.

   Pineapple on pizza is as appealing as pepperoni on pineapple upside-down cake.

   My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

   Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.

   Cop: Turn around Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round. Cop: Turn around! Me: Every.. *gets tased*

   I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.

   Whatever you do in this life, you should always give it 100 percent, unless you're donating blood.

   A man knocked on my door yesterday asking for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water and shut the door.

   My wife has been looking through the window every since it started raining this morning. I suppose I should let her back in.

   Learn to fight like your the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!

   I told my boss I wanted to take a day of mental health leave but I was all out. She said "You're all out of leave?" I said "No, I'm all out of mental health."

   Live such that when the mortician prepares you for your funeral, he must struggle to get that grin off your face.

   Never trust atoms. They make up everything

   Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95/minute?

   Today my virtually 3 year old daughter can unlock a mobile phone, open and close apps all by herself, at that age I ate sand !