Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   in a constant state of Omphaloskepsis (look it up).

   wondering why cameras have round lenses that take square pictures.

   Whoever has the most Facebook friends when he dies WINS

   If you're happy and you know it...share your meds.

   So tired of these new gadgets and the companies trying to monopolize the programs, I am going back to my pencil and a piece of paper!!!

   Women cheat for the same reason that dogs lick their balls ... because they can

   wondering if practice makes perfect and nobody is perfect, what the point of trying

   97% of people would scream if they saw justin bieber about to jump of a sky scraper 3% would sit in a chair with popcorn and yell "do a flip"

   **shortest fairly tale**-->once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "will you marry me?" The girl said "NO!" The guy lived happily ever after..

   A dog is man's best friend. In some states, they're friends with benefits.

   I got a mosquito bite last night... Bet that little guy is pretty hungover today.

   If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

   This status was sent from inside the Channel Tunnel. Try that on your precious iPhones.

   Breed a Labrador Retriever with a Curly Coated Retriever and you get a Lab Coat Retriever. The choice of medical professionals everywhere.

   My inability to use emoticons correctly is really getting me down :)

   Babe, You Remind of Barbie's Malibu Beach House,.. Everything is for Looks and Nothing Works!"

   Dear DNA experts, please come up with a small insect that is genetically designed to annoy flies. Maybe even a small insect that bites mosquitoes. Thanks

   I'm a homophobophobe. Seriously, those bigots scare the heck out of me.

   I'm a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity...

   Today is the 1 year anniversary of Michael Jackson's death. I will be randomly grabbing my crotch in his memory for the rest of the day.