Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Give peace a chance. Move to a new town and don't tell your relatives.

   If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?

   I decided I wasn't bad enough soo from here on out I'm gonna bathe naked...Yep thats right Butt Naked...

   "What's that!! An earthquake?" "YES!! RUN!!!" "OMG, WAIT" *runs to the computer and writes on Facebook* EARTHQUAAAAAAAKE!!!

   I hope Gryffindor wins the World Cup.

   I'mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt. Undoubtedly, all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony.

   I'm only on here for entertainment. Please don't try and make me learn anything.

   I like messing with Texas by calling random numbers in Houston and telling them we've have a problem.

   Michael Jackson was not DANGEROUS, he may have been a little OFF THE WALL at times but not BAD. When it came to songs and performing he was a THRILLER and a DANCING MACHINE. From his one glove to the Moonwalk, MJ will never be forgotten!

   Dear Alejandro! Please poke Lady Gaga's face with your disco stick so she can finally get what ALL her songs say and she can sing about something else... finally. Thanks :) Grace.

   thinks one trip to Wal Mart may cause an intelligent person to start questioning the theory of evolution.

   often wonders...when someone is dies by lethal injection, do they clean the injection site with alcohol first?

   going to a BBQ as a vegetarian, which is a bit like the Pope going to a brothel. He knows he's going to have a great time, but he's going to feel really guilty and weird about it

   I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.

   always beats Edward Scissorhands in rock-paper-scissors.

   Sometimes people act like the US isn't the only country in the whole world.

   I heard the CEO of AT&T got married recently. The service was great but the reception was terrible.

   Pessimist sees darkness, optimist sees light, realist sees light & the coming train! Train driver sees 3 idiots sitting on the rails. :-)

   The difference between the local school and local prison?The Address and The tolerance of phone calls

   Switched my GPS to the male voice. Got tired of it announcing turns after we'd passed them and telling me to stop and ask for directions.