Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lady GaGa is performing with Metallica at the Grammys. Sounds like its gonna be an hour of Trump bashing and a couple crappy songs I downloaded on napster 15 years ago.

   You want to know why Trump is so pissed off? Its because the whitehouse smells like coconuts and piss.

   Still waiting for Activision to come out with "Call of Duty" for Atari 2600

   NEWS UPDATE: Donald J. Trump has dropped Mexico, China and Iran from his enemies list and added the 9th Circuit Court and Nordstrom.

   Are the dangerous parts of Italy called the Spaghetto?

   I think Oprah Winfrey should marry Deepak Chopra and take his last name.

   At our family weddings, we always watch our senile old grandpa to see what dumb thing he will do next. Now Trump fills that role for the whole country.

   I wonder how long buffoons like Spicer and Kellyanne would last on the Apprentice?

   "I decided to go for a walk because I want to stay healthy. I'm also bringing along a box of M&M's because. . . . well, lets be honest here."

   A terrible waitress asked me for a tip last night.... I said don't make snow angels at dog parks.......

   SNL just call me and asked me, If I want to play a character on the show. Apparently they are running out of characters to make fun of in Trump's cabinet

   Balls - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your girlfriend with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

   Tonight I changed my wife's contacts in her phone. She should be getting texts tomorrow from Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger and have no idea who they are, I doubt she'll be upset......

   Even Prime MInister Abe of Japan was surprised by how tiny Donald Trump's hands are, and he comes from a nation of tiny-handed people.

   IKEA is just adult LEGO sets

   Boss: Are you high? Me: No, I dont do drugs, it must be the dayquil . Boss: Dayquil doesn't do that . Me: Must be the moonshine then.

   "No more Mr. Nice Guy" ~ Mr. Nice Guy's eulogy

   I may be getting older, but I remember back in my day, if you took pics of yourself to show all your mates, you were a faggot.

   In 1963, Democrat George Wallace blocked the door to a school to prevent two Black Republicans from entering. I guess Republican is the new b lack ... Just ask Devos

   A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you're single: priceless!