Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How many damn vampire movies and shows has there been since Dracula up until Twilight Saga?.....Somewhere between the number of 40 and overkill of film.

   dear mosquitoes, ur not welcomed here just because the ligt's on...this isn't Motel 6

   What part of hippomonstrasesquipphobia Dont you understand?

   got a nice little stomach bug last night. I must have gone to the bathroom at least 30 times today. Now I know how Jake Gyllenhaal must have felt crawling out of that tent the next morning.

   Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh and they will all think your on drugs!!

   Women are like a pack of cards, you need a heart to love them, a diamond to buy them, a club to kill them and a spade to bury them

   I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

   Some people are as useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker.

   Brush your teeth or please breathe the other way. You're bleaching my hair.

   When things sound reasonable ~ its time to up my medication.

   If they made hats the size of some peoples brains they would be wearing a peanut shell.

   Don't talk about yourself so much in front of some friends... they do it when you leave

   Heavy, stationary objects keep running into my bare feet...How many times do I have to stub my toes before these things learn to get out of my way?

   You can't say your girlfriend is a multi-tasker but she likes gangbangs!

   Pushed humpty Dumpty and also was the reason Jack fell down and broke his crown. While I was at it I stole the cookies from the cookie jar and let the dogs out. So there........

   ask me what I like about you, 15 drinks from now .

   - Thankfull its only blood. Thought I was a tomato!!!

   Funny....I don't remember eating corn...?

   there's no "I" in gang bang

   eating carrots and watching porn. Something *seriously* went wrong with my weekend