Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Speed bumps should be called slow-down bumps. (I tells it like I see it.)

   hates it when he goes to a Vuvuzela concert and people start playing football...

   ust heard that half the French football team wants to throw up their hands in defeat and give up on World Cup while the other half of the team wants to join the Germans.

   so I was at a bar and saw a really hot girl, I decided to play it cute and went up to her with a corny pick up line. "If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put you and I together." She looked at me disgusted and said, "Let's leave it the way it is wit

   World Cup fixtures: on Monday Argentina meets Brazil in Cape Town. On Tuesday Spain meets Italy in Johannesburg and on Wednesday England meets France at the AIRPORT !!!

   wishes diets would be easier....like a burger diet or a pizza diet...best would be alcohol diet....man I would dedicate my life to following interesting diets like that....goes without saying I meant if those diets help you lose weight....wow....god is u

   There are only 3 steps to sleeping with alot of women. 1). Have your own place. 2). Have a bar in your place 3). HAVE NO STANDARDS

   Whenever I eat Nerds and Dum Dums, I always follow up with a few packs of Smarties.That way everything evens out. :)

   Whoever came up with that "lift with your knees and not with your back" idea is an idiot. Everybody knows that when it comes to lifting, the best way to do it is with your HANDS.

   Man who fish in other man's well, will problably get crabs!

   I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.

   When someone rings the doorbell...why do dogs always assume it's for them ???

   The UK team visited a South African orphanage."Its so good to brighten up for these sad people who are in a hopeless situation," said 6 y/o Mbutu Niaryi.

   Wonders why there's an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?!

   US troops went to Africa and built them houses and schools and then brought them food. The Africans smiled and said thanks for being the greatest country in the world.

   how do you lose a war against a country that is not even formed yet? I do not know but just ask a Brit.

   so.. my lawyer says to her lawyer if she thinks she gettin that yacht then she's a little dingy

   When the boogeyman goes to sleep he checks his closet for Chuch Norris.

   You never lose by loving . You always lose by holding back !!

   Going to break the awkward silence.