Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i'll be burger king and you'll be mcdonalds...ill be doing it my way and you'll be lovin it

   i'll be burger king and you'll be mcdonalds...ill be doing it my way and you'll be lovin it

   if you're ever feeling down just remeber: you were that ONE sperm that made it.

   I hired Helen Waite as my assistant. So if you need anything from me you must go to Helen Waite.

   considered being a stay-at-home mom but then I found out the kids would be there too.

   I went to have Botox, the surgeon said to me "That's $8000 dollars please" I couldn't even looked shocked.

   Been on hold so long I forgot who I called. Got a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't narrow it down much.

   wondering who left the bag of idiots open.

   all I want is a comfy bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

   I didn't outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.

   You moon the wrong person at the office as a joke just once, and suddenly you're not "professional" anymore.

   thinks the fastest way to being happy is to make others happy. You go first.

   Man made alcohol, God made marijuana, who are you going to trust?

   Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

   Whats the difference between arrogant and ignorant? Brithish and Welsh

   If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between "sh**" and "syphilis

   thinks you should NEVER look down on someone...unless you have a clear view of cleavage.

   tired of all the emails I keep getting on how to enlarge my p*nis, especially since I am a woman, so I have forward them to my exhusband

   just saw an ugly, pregnant woman and thought, "Good for you."

   thinks you should probably just let your "Honor Roll" student drive, cause you're very obviously an idiot.