santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   Finally I'm not being harassed by my family or coworkers for listening to Christmas Music. It was rough back in July.

   I'm white, but I'm not 'buy a Christmas gift for the Mailman' white.

   Kanye West agreed to play Santa Claus under the condition that children had to ask him what he wanted for Christmas.

   I'm at my wife's company Christmas party and there is like zero pus sy here. I hate Christmas.

   Today is Friday, December 13th. I can't tell you how relieved I am that Christmas isn't on Friday the 13th this year.

   I got this whole Christmas gifting thing on lock!! I bought my mom a fridge for Xmas a few years ago and still to this day every time she opens it....her face lights up

   Megyn Kelly said "Jesus and Santa Claus are white" well if they weren't they live in Detroit and East St. Louis!

   I just got a copy of Santa's naughty list and it is almost identical to my frields list.

   He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you've been bad or good 'cause...Santa works for the NSA.

   I always try to see my relatives with love and affection during the Holidays. When I can't I try to see if there is more Bourbon available.

   Vodka works better than Mistletoe at Christmas Parties. That's because with Vodka someone is getting kissed whether they want it or not.

   It would be so much more ''festive" if UPS and FEDEX guys dressed as Santa while delivering packages during the holiday season

   Jesus and santa are not real. You can live up to a 1,000 year and still never get to meet Jesus.

   Sarah Palin's new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

   Whenever I hear the Christmas song about "nuts roasting on an open fire" I cringed. My wife plays that song over and over when she's mad at me..... even if it's in July

   Every family has a relative that they would prefer to keep hidden during the Holidays. If you think your family doesn't have one...Trust me it is YOU!

   If Santa's helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?

   J ewish Santa is just like black Santa except one pinches pennies and the other pinches fat asses.

   "How The Grinch Stole Christmas" - The story of a homeless guy and his dog shunned by society during the holidays.

   I was putting the lights up on our 12 foot Christmas tree this afternoon using a 10 foot ladder. Suddenly,I lost my balance, fell off of it and landed flat on my back on the floor. So thankful I was on the bottom step when it all happened.