Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Feels like Ryan Gosling & I have a lot in common: We're both men, we both have kids. He owns a restaurant in Beverly Hills, I go to Arby's.

   'You're still a rockstar' I whisper to myself as I take my multivitamin and get in bed at 9:45.

   Just got back from Fight Club. It was really fun! Got there late so missed the rules being read out but I'm sure it was nothing important.

   Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall.

   A moped is basically just a motorized key to every girl's heart locket.

   The best dates end with "I can't believe we did that"

   Nearly wrecked my car trying to save my tacos from falling. Before you question my priorities let me point out, there was sour cream on them.

   LinkedIn is just a dating site for people with a job right?

   In what world does a box of macaroni and cheese serve 4 people?

   I've decided to become Transhandicap so I can park anywhere I want too.

   I don’t know why people will get embarrassed when they take a magazine to the toilet, you should see the looks I get when I take my plunger.

   I hate when I'm on a first date and she goes, "I just know we'll be together forever." Then uses Crazy Glue instead of lube.

   In our local supermarket, they always have 6 checkouts open. Except when it's really busy then they have 2...

   I wish I was British so I could say cool stuff like "brilliant" and "crikey" and "I don't have worry about Trump leading my country"

   If there isn't a huge mess to clean up after cooking or sex, you're doing it wrong...

   i can't believe it, Morley Safer tribute was on last week and not 60 minutes later he's gone

   With a gentle stroke he wipes her tears away, and accidentally her eyebrows

   If 9/11 taught us anything, it's that Superman's a lazy ass.

   "Chillax" ironicly the most irritating word known to man.

   How do you get your name put in lights all over the world? Change it to Emergency Exit.