Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gotta love a woman who can hand you your own ass.....

   While you guys were distracted by the smoke screens the Government placed in the form of gender neutral bathrooms, election drama, and racism...Tyler Perry was right under our noses making another movie. Wake up America. This has to stop.

   My daughter's only 6 months old and already drawing. I'd hang it on the fridge but honestly, it's absolute garbage.

   Saying, "Finger Lickin' Good" out loud -- even at KFC -- makes everyone pretty uncomfortable.

   I wonder if Uranus is getting tired of being the butt of everyone's jokes?

   Anybody know where I can purchase a George Zimmerman hoodie?

   If you name your child Penny, you can't really have very high expectations...

   I watched a documentary last night where this team of scientists studied the inside of a man bun. Turns out they are formed from craft beer and Maroon 5 CDs.

   If it weren't for marriage, many of us would go thru life thinking we had no faults at all.

   Hello. You have reached the incontinence hotline. Please, hold...

   I prefer my water to be frozen into cubes and completely surrounded by vodka and tonic...

   May every one of your life's ups and downs...occur in bed.

   It's pretty cool how much free stuff this cashier gave me at the self checkout.

   I hate when I'm on a date and she's driving and I tell her I have to use the men's room and could she stop at a gas station she says, "You should've gone at home. Too bad. Hold it in."

   " It's pretty cool how much free stuff this cashier gave me at the self checkout. " From a cashier prone to joblessness and hopelessness.

   We like turtles because they're so chill. They don't hurt anyone. They're just like, "Hey man, I want to swim, and maybe eat some lettuce."

   Horror movies don't scare me. 5 missed calls from mom scares me.

   I casually pull out my solid gold asthma inhaler with the word 'PIMP' engraved on it. I suck at it hard yet it is you who feel breathless.

   The Cheers theme plays as I walk into McDonald's and have a mild heart attack against a trash can.

   I assume when a restaurant says it's "homestyle," I'll be eating my meal over a sink.