Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With all due of respect, I would love to be able to walk up to you and offer you a big, nice cup of shut the f*** up.

   I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

   Statistically speaking 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy!

   saw a banana peel in the road today and instinctively swerved to miss it, thanks Mario Kart!

   When we were little, why were we so scared of our parents counting to three?

   Move out of the way children i've been waiting 11 years to see toy story 3...

   As a lover, I'm about as impressive as a magician on the radio

   The saying goes "Always wear cleaned underwear, you never know when your going to be hit by a bus." But isn't it when you get hit by the bus, you SH*T yourself, already ruining your clean knickers?

   Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

   Tourist Resort is a place where no one knows how unimportant you are at home.

   It doesn't value to play ,except you play to the end

   not a stalker, I'm just bad with goodbyes.

   How can big pharma make millions of dollars selling laxatives to the elderly, when Taco Bell can manage to do the trick for $2.99?

   smarter then the averige beare!! ...oh dangit, maybe not

   save the trees, smoke a cigarette.

   watching the 2010 World Cup (and then I found the remote)

   sick of the jehovahs witness knocking on my door. So I'm making my cat take karate lessons. If they come around again, Fluffy is gonna kick some serious ass!

   would you like that sea bass regular or unleaded?

   figures the only thing worse than finding out that you were given up for adoption would be learning that it was Rick Astley who gave you up.

   wonders why passing dog walkers insist on introducing their dogs to each other, when the animals clearly act as if they want to tear out each others' throats.