Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its says "omg Cholesterol" on my Box of Honey Nut Cheerios... is that bad???

   All the girls become ordinary, no matter how much important they are to you before, once you spend certain amount of time with them after commitment.

   I think we should all look to other serious controversial environmental issues for guidance when we think of a punishment for the BP CEO. I think we should club him like a baby seal !! Then we can run a commercial saying that we are sorry for the mess w

   My wife told me that I am immature, I said I know you are but what am I ??

   Sometimes being a good friend just means being a good listener...

   thinks that the US Soccer team should dress up as oral hygienists to scare the english into forfeiture

   typing up a letter to the producers of "Unsolved Mysteries"...maybe they can figure out how many damn licks it takes to get to the center of a damn Tootsie Pop!!!!

   My toilet seat was stolen, not sure who took it, right now I have nothing to go on.

   i was playing ping pong against king kong in hong kong using my ding dong ...

   going to jail....because I just assaulted that plate of nachos!

   wishing that girl on Maury would hurry up and find her baby daddy already!

   This whole time you've been worried about dying from unhealthy burgers, but now you find out that drinking water with a McDonalds Shrek glass is what's going to kill you. Go figure

   I'd consider being a farmer. As long as I could live on the Pepperidge Farm, and raise Milanos.

   When I'm drunk and in the woods, I always have the urge to try to juggle squirrels.

   It's amazing the amount of bullsh*t a man will put up with if he has even the slightest thought he might get a piece of ass.

   If someone's calling from a blocked or unknown number, I like to answer "Hasenfeffer Incorporated, Schlemazel speaking".

   Thinks 'employee of the month' is a good example of how someone can be a winner and a loser at the same time.

   Dear Mr 21st Century Public Bathroom Door Maker,..... am really tired of having to duck and dodge people when am on the JOHN taken care of busniess can you please make a FULL SIZE DOOR without any DOOR CRACKS on the sides!!!!! gee thanks!!

   When I walk out naked to get the paper.. Squirrels are in awe

   celebrating 1 year of sobriety today…I think it was 1972...