Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook: A place where all your past mistakes will eventually try to befriend you.

   I think it's not the morning that's bothering me. It's the awakeness.

   I understand that good things come to those who wait. Might I ask just how long the line is?

   I'm peeved that the bank owns a good chunk of this house but hasn't once taken out the trash. Worst roommate ever.

   Two wrongs don't make a right, but they have the potential to become a pretty interesting Facebook status update.

   If you're friending me on Facebook ONLY because you want a nail or you have a lost cow in Farmville, the joke's on you! I play Mafia Wars!

   So where are all the "Save the Gulf" concerts? Where are the T.V. Benefits with celebrities and musicians giving heart felt speeches on the poor fisherman, wildlife, beaches, loss of income and sabotaged gulf economy?

   I'm going to write that down in my "Things I don't give a crap about" notebook.

   The difference between you and a battery is that battery has positive side.

   I probably wouldn't kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way the pets and children do.

   Does PETA think all animals die a natural death, with hospice care, surrounded by family keeping vigil until passing quietly into the night?

   People laugh because I'm different, I laugh because I know it!

   BP HAS STOPPED THE LEAK!! Apparently they put a huge wedding ring over it and it just stopped putting out.

   What seperates the men from the boys is the price of their toys.

   The only time I ever nap is after hitting the snooze button. I took 32 naps this morning.

   wondering why unemployment didn't find it funny when I sent them a bill for overtime due to excessive hours of job searching on weekends, nights and holidays.

   If we all just look at the big picture then no one will ever find the secret vault behind it

   thinks farmville is o.k. but pharmville is a blast.

   Personality can open doors, but only character can keep them open.

   If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?