Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You are so pathetic that Tom wont even be friends with you on myspace.

   you're allways late, your work is slack, you bit#h and wine behind my back, a 2hr lunch 4u is quick, and twice a week you call in sick, i've hated you since the day you were hired, get to work are your fat a#s is fired

   get a life is your only copyright

   if the broom fits...RIDE IT!

   thinks the BP executive management team that's responsible for the day to day running of the company should be the ones cleaning the oil spill!

   Coffee can make you jumpy and irritable. There are also negative effects.

   I think “be yourself” is about the worst advice you can give to some people.

   The most precious possession that ever comes to a man in this world is a woman's heart

   I just taped magnets to the bottom of my empty coffee cup and attached it to the top of my car... Can't wait to see how many people will try and flag me down...

   I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.

   Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I have to walk past you again?

   Biggest trade to date: Lakers to trade Jack Nicholson

   Beauty is in the Eye Of The Beer Holder.

   I fought the law and....the lawyers won.

   Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired

   25% off this thursday

   its very sad Adriana Xenides has died and I'm not even going to make a joke about it. That would be in_p_o_ri_te

   Sign of the times when you don't take a newspaper or magazine to the bathroom with you anymore. Instead you take your iPad with you. Be sure to wipe the screen when your done!!!

   Next for BP: they're going to add balsamic vinegar to the oil; turning the Gulf into a nice vinaigrette.

   Justin Bieber is approximately the same diameter as the oil pipe in the Gulf......is anybody thinking what I'm thinking?