Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   While asking for support over the oil spill, I had a interview with a mermaid and she shouted "Obama doesn't like sea creatures!"... awkward silence

   hey you..............yes you....................stop staring at my status you perv

   coming out of the closet. I was playing hide & seek.

   I just saved a bunch of money on my child support by switching to condoms

   ever sat in the parking lot at walmart and honk at random people and watch their reaction? hahaha

   Next Week is not good for me the Jonas Brothers are in town

   BREAKING NEWS: U.S. Kills Al-Qaeda's Number 3 for Nine Thousandth Time

   Former President Bush suggested invading the "Gulf of Mexico" to control the BP oil spill. He also proposed forming a mercenary force made up of BP executives and oil rig operators called "The Coalition of the Spillin'

   Did you hear about the guy that overdosed on Viagra? Yep, it was an open casket funeral.

   Grilled by the media contantly in recent weeks, authorities have stated that they had been following failed "Times Square Bomber" Faisal Shahzad for months, but only on Twitter.

   I think that what I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding when I do something wrong.

   I love you more today than yesterday. Yesterday, you really got on my nerves.

   Respect must be earned by a sitting President these days.....

   So if I don't kill you, I make you stronger? I really don't have any options here.

   I think that the trouble I have with trouble is that it usually starts out as fun.

   bp should practice what they preach, Seen at every BP gas station is a sign that reads "Do not leave pumps unattended, you are responsible for spills"...

   I think that God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind, I will never die.

   Has just left his next instalment on his payback trail at the local BP. Thats right BP, you thought you made a mess. Wait till you get a LOAD of me..thats right, UPPER DECKER

   The nice thing about waiting a week to listen to your voicemail is that those people usually don't need you for that thing anymore.

   I think that if that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive better.