Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just tending to my rock garden, seeing if I can get a statue to grow.

   If idle hands are the Devil's Playground than Facebook is a full blown amusement park.

   Life would be easier if Kleenex just made shirt sleeves.

   The FOLD cycle on the clothes dryer isn't working.

   Dont Touch..Its call The No No Spot For A Reason.

   I wanna get Papa John Pizza Wasted!!!!

   Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving..

   Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get.

   Apparently there aren't plenty of fish in the sea thanks to BP

   commented on a woman's french manicure. "I like your tips" ...let's just say she didn't hear me correctly.

   LOVE- Lets Over View Eachother

   Ummm.....there's a reason they are called "skinny jeans".......

   Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.......or swallow... In that case, call me ;)

   Tonite I feel like drinking until it looks like Jim Joyce made the right call.

   Its like the whole world is out on the roads today driving like a pack of grandmas on their way to Bob Evan's after church on a Sunday. Sheesh!!!

   When I was a kid games taught us a valuable lesson. Like "slapping a hippo on the @ss will make him eat". That's important sh*t!

   If people who shop at Walmart, "Save Money. Live Better." Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?

   The weather in New York is partly cloudy and warm...just like A-Rods urine sample

   Waldo's bangin' Carmen Sandiego right now. Somehow, despite all the odds, they found each other.

   Used to have a life. Now I have a laptop and Facebook!