Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Breaking News: Utah police are seeking the Gooch in connection with the death of Arnold Jackson. Anyone with information is asked to call Crime Stoppers at (800)-555-TIPS all calls are strictly confidential.

   WHAT?!?! Gary Coleman is dead?! What'choo talkin' 'bout, Willis?!?!?!

   Saying "Let me call you back" is just a nicer or rather messed up way for a woman to say she doesn't wanna talk to you.

   Please! You're only older than me because your parents decided to have unprotected sex before mine did. At least mine didn't make a mistake that night.

   My status has a crush on someone.

   hey leave me alone, i'm living happily ever after

   Baby monkey: mum, I wonder why we are so ugly. Monkey mum: thank God for our good looks, wait till you see who'se reading this.

   I think some ppl should read the new book "Get A Life™"...by "X"®

   lost my mood ring, I don't know how I feel about this...

   poor Gary Coleman...he lived such a short life.

   wondering if #2 pencil is so popular why is it still #2

   of course men can multi task.... we can read the news paper and sh*t at the same time

   If celebs die in 3's... I hope Sarah Jessica Parker goes next... shes a horse face and a false prophet. Oh and everyone dies at the end of Sex 2!

   Okay, so celebrities usually die in 3's... So far, Dennis Hopper, Gary Coleman... who's next?

   Impotence: Nature's way of  saying  'No hard feelings...' 

   Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds? A.  The bonds mature.

   Ex-president Bush blamed BP for the disaster off the coast of Louisiana. Later he recanted saying "He thought BP stood for Black President."

   Why hasn't BP used my solution yet to stop that oil leak? Simple AND brilliant...contact Tampax, have the worlds largest tampon made. Stick it in the hole....TADA, no more leak...AND the BP execs will be able to go horseback riding afterwards.

   more people should be less like most people.

   my facebook wall is not the best way for me to respond to you Quicker,.. You'll have better luck getting a hold of me if you were to shout my name inside your own home... well,.. I guess depending on the situation."