Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   WHEW! I just had a near-work experience...

   I've never tipped a cow. Then again, one has never served me food.

   Frankly, 'm surprised BP hasn't called Tiger Woods, given his expertise in filling golf holes

   These are my Hammer pants; you can't touch them.

   Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

   The fact "gorilla" does not rhyme with "tortilla" infuriates me.

   Q: How do you make four old ladies say  ‘FUCK!'?  A: Get a fifth one to yell  ‘BINGO!' 

   without freedom of speech we would never know who the a$$holes are

   suggests that you do the following: go to google, type "google wont" and then click "I'm feeling lucky"

   My wife and I always get into arguments, and I always get the last word.. "Yes Dear!!"

   The meek may inherit the earth, but the shrewd will collect the rent.

   I just said hey to Sarah Jessica Parker and she got really excited. She must have thought I meant hay.

   Confucius says "Boy who goes to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand."

   Dear Karma:U haven't been comin' round lately... I understand if u're too busy but I heard you keep missin' the person i've been talkin' bout... WHY?

   While the women were attending the "Sex and the City 2" premiere... the men were enjoying "Sex outside the City Too"...

   What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex? Oral sex makes your day;  anal sex makes your hole weak.

   What a tortured soul... He never really figured out what Willis was talking about....

   Just Saw A Bumper Sticker That Said... "My High School Dropout, Knocked Up Your Honor Roll Student..."

   A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and asks, ‘You wanna play 'magic'?' She responds, ‘What's that?' He says, ‘Well we go  back to my place and  screw, and then you disappear!'

   Why does a prostitute make more money than  a drug dealer? A Prostitute can clean her crack and sell it again!