Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bad friends are like my cum. Sometimes they get in your face. Sometimes they won't get out of your hair....and sometimes they're all up in your a$$!

   if "Fe" on the periodic table of the elements is iron, does that make females iron males?

   My friend pointed out the other day, that the book/film "New Moon" is bassically just one girls choice between Beastiality, or Necrophilia... hope that gives you ladies out there a little perspective on "romance."

   out cow died so we don't need your bull

   wonders why when you are eating Starburst and ask someone if they would like one, they always want a "red" one?

   I choose to be different because being normal is boring.

   Just when the mind found the answers, the heart changed the question...

   I am known for my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around.

   I love doing laundry! I love doing laundry! I love doing laundry! I love doing laundry! Nope, it's just not working...

   I would like to publicly apologize to the Taco Bell lady for interrupting her texting session by trying to place an order. Also for trying to place the entire order for 1, at one time, because since she was texting is was hard to concentrate on what I was

   All people have the right to stupidity but some abuse the privilege.

   If pink is for Breast cancer, brown should be for colon cancer.

   A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

   I'm the author of my life.Unfortunately I'm writing in pen so I can't erase my mistakes

   A cop pulls a guy over for weaving in traffic. He walks up to the driver's window and asks, "You drinkin?" The driver says, "You buyin?"

   Don't worry I won't tell anyone.. and if I do, I'll tell them not to tell anyone.

   Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

   Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

   looking at a Justin Bieber pic and beating my stuff like it owed me money! She is hot

   asks how many tweets could tweetybird tweet if tweetybird could tweet tweets? Haha let's put some twists unto our tongue.