Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll tell ya, there's nothing better than a cold beer(s) after a long hard day of laying on the couch...

   They wouldn't have to ban texting while driving if they would just legalize driving through red lights...

   The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.

   I piss awesomeness. Awesomeness burns, right?

   My dog was barking at the back door and my wife was yelling at the front door. I always let the dog in first because at least its shuts up when it gets in the house.

   Please Wait...My heart is now loading...20% completed.40% completed.80% completed.99.9% completed...Error! Error!..Something has interrupted the download. Please try again later.

   U know some people are like VIRUSES, they ENTER your LIFE, SCAN your POCKETS, TRANSFER your IDEAS, EDIT your MINDE, DOWNLOAD your HEART, and UPLOAD their PROBLEMS

   do tree huggers buy toilet paper?

   All of us are God's Creatures, Just Some are More Creatures Than Others !!!

   If a woman wants a man who can take orders, they should marry a waiter!

   Happiness is not a destination. It is a method of life.

   laying on his bed, looking up at the stars and wondering... WTF??? wheres my roof?

   has heard better comebacks from someone in a coma.

   I bought a pack of biscuits today and on it said "store in a cool place." So I sent them to Samuel Jacksons house.

   out making some changes in hisher life...leave a message and I'll get back yo you. if I don't return your message your one of the changes!

   is eating mushrooms and chasing white rabbits

   says Judge me all you want... just keep the verdict to yourself

   textually active

   Just had a customer call me for a quote, and he SANG me all his information..... so I sang back.. " ? If you're crazy and you know it take your pills! ?.... Didnt get the sale..

   You call it poor parenting, I call it raising free range children.